Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever
by The Reader is Now Blind
Summary: The title explains it all. If you're looking for a serious story with a plot that makes sense, go read something else you hypocrite! (Finally finished!)
1. The Letter of the Day is D

Hello everybody. I've been working on alot of stories, but apparently someone *glares at Aeryka* doesn't think that's a good enough reason to stop posting here. I'm sorry, but I think...*gulps nervously as Aeryka brings out the flying monkeys*...that is a wonderful idea. *agrees nervously* Alright, no one belongs to me. (*sweatdrops* That did not sound right at all)  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
Van was sitting in his room, playing with his Escaflowne Action Figures. He took his figure and made it walk towards Dilandau. "Ha ha, Dilandau! It looks like I, Van Fanel, the greatest, super duperest, handsomest, smartest, strongest, bravest warrior there ever was, is, and will be in this universe, has captured you, the so-called fearless Dragonslayer leader! Do you have any last words?!"  
  
He then made the Dilandau doll fall face down on the table, and his most and annoying and weakest voice, made him whimper, "Please all great Lord Van, forgive me! I would never attacked your country if I knew I was facing you, great warrior. My Dragonslayers and I have nightmares of you, and bow at the mention of your name. Have mercy on me!"  
  
The Van figurine jumped on Dilandau, crushing him many times. "Never! Take that, and that, and this, and life insurance!"  
  
When the Dilandau was "dead", the Allen figure came and bowed before the Van figurine, announcing, "You are truly better than I could ever be. Those other times when I beat you in battle was because I cheated. I am forever beneath you."  
  
The real Van picked up the Hitomi doll and his figure and made them get close. "Oh Lord Van," he shouted in the voice he thought to best match Hitomi's, "you're so strong and handsome. I just want to kiss you all over."  
  
He pushed the two dolls together, rubbing their bodies next to another, making kissy noises. There was a soft knock on the door, causing Van to jump up and cover the figures with a blanket before Hitomi walked into the room.  
  
She noticed his flustered face and the bulge under his bed coverings, and slyly smiled. "You've been playing with your dolls again, haven't you?"  
  
Van's face turned crimson as he shook his head and laughed nervously, "Of course not. I don't play with dolls anymore. Besides, the correct term is 'action figures'."  
  
"Uh huh. Anyways, I made a discovery."  
  
"What discovery?"   
  
"A discovery describing Dryden."  
  
"But Dryden drove down to the deep dirty district of Dixie!"  
  
"The discovery described Dryden down in the deep dirty district of Dixie."  
  
"What about Dryden down in the deep dirty district of Dixie?"  
  
"The deep dirty district of Dixie has been demolished."  
  
"Who dared the dastardly deed of demolishing the deep dirty district of Dixie?"  
  
"The doppleganger demolished the deep dirty district of Dixie."  
  
"The doppleganger didn't demolish the deep dirty district of Dixie because the doppleganger died in the dead days of December."  
  
"The doppleganger did die in the dead days of December, but Dilandau disguised himself as the doppleganger."  
  
"I'll descend in the dragon and destroy Dilandau disguised as the doppleganger in the demolished deep dirty district of Dixie where Dryden drove down to."  
  
"Its dangerous to descend in the dragon and destroy Dilandau, disguised as the doppleganger who died in the dead days of December, because he demolished the deep dirty district of Dixie where Dryden drove down to days ago!"  
  
"You two are the dumbest duo I've ever did discover," Merle stated from the door. "Anyways, Gaddes wants us to go the deck."  
  


*****

  
  
"Wow, how did we get here so fast?" Hitomi wondered out loud as they entered the deck.  
  
"Its called 'Lazy Narrator Syndrome'. Get used to it," Merle remarked as she swished her tail. The other members of the Crusade were are all there, except for one.  
  
"Where's the commander?" Gaddes asked fretfully. Allen came running up, his clothes haphazardly thrown on and his hair wrapped in a towel. "Why is it," he breathed, "that these things always occur when I'm in the shower?"  
  
"Allen, you didn't use all the hot water, did you?" Moleman shouted. "The one day of my life that I wanted to wash myself has just been ruined because of you!"  
  
"I'm sorry if I'm one of the guys here that cares about his personal hygiene thoroughly," Allen answered back in the same tone of voice as used by Moleman. "That reminds me though. I need to pick up some more Herbal Essences Shampoo..."  
  
All of a sudden a bunch of good looking guys bursted into the room, and spun Allen around in a chair, massaging the knight's head while singing, "He's got the urge! Natural Botanicals!..."   
  
When the guys disappeared as mysteriously as they had appeared, everyone's mouths were still open in a shock. Van was the first to say, "That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen."  
  
"Yeah," Hitomi agreed in a daze, but shook it off. "Anyways, I have a discovery about Dryden."  
  
"A discovery about Dryden?" Millerna questioned. "But Dryden drove down to..."  
  
"Oh no you don't!!" Merle yelled, clamping a paw to Millerna's mouth. "We've already been through this, believe me. All you need to know is that the deep dirty district of-Damnit! Now I'm doing it! Somebody please explain without having the letter 'D' in your sentence!"  
  
A stupid crew member by the name of Ed stepped up and pointed to Millerna. "Uh, your guy went away, but there was this other guy that, uh, is mean. Now your guy is in trouble."  
  
"Good boy Ed," Merle chirped. "Here's a cookie."  
  
"Oh goody. I am in my happy place."  
  



	2. Yeehaw!

*blinks* I never expected this thing to be multi-chaptered, but I felt like it, so there. =p Oh, even though I don't own Escaflowne right now, I will when I take over the WORLD!! BUWAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
"Okay," Allen began, studying the map before him. "Just where is Dixie exactly?"  
  
Moleman pulled a small banjo from a fold in his robe and tried to tune it. "Dixie is way down south."  
  
Allen looked up in disbelief. "How do you figure?"  
  
"Just listen to the song," Moleman replied as he started to strum the banjo's strings with his fat fingers, singing off-key, "Oh way, oh way, oh way down south in Dixie! Way ..down..south...in...DIXIE!!"  
  
Everyone clapped their hands and stomped their feet to the rhythm. Van grabbed Hitomi's hand and brought her to the middle of the floor to dance. Moleman saw this and began to shout directions for a hoe-down, "Take your partner and dosey-doe! Dip her to the floor real slow! Pick her up into the air! Let me see her underwear!"  
  
"WHAT?!" Hitomi screeched, backing away from Van, much to his displeasure.  
  
"Uh oh...and this dance is done!" Moleman nervously shouted as Van chased him with the banjo, yelling, "I'll let you see something!! I'll hang you by your banjo strings!! COME BACK HERE!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  


*****

  
  
After the Crusade had landed in an outer corner of Dixie, the crew were in the hangar, discussing what happened during their long trip.  
  
"I can't believe that I found a hair dresser that specialized in the care of plastic hair," Allen grinned, fingering his translucent synthetic mane.  
  
"And thanks to Lord Van, I was able to find my feminine side," Moleman-er-_Molesha_ sighed wistfully, inching towards Van. The young king's eyes grew wide while he fended off Molesha's advances.  
  
"Yo aprendí hablar español cuándo escuché a la gente en mi cabeza*," Hitomi announced, thoroughly confusing everyone in the room.   
  
Merle rubbed her throat, coughing and hacking slightly. "Now I can make works of art by using my hairballs! Ed, did you learn anything?"   
  
Ed nodded dumbly. "Fuzzy chickens go moo. That's why there's no such things as fuzzy chickens."  
  
"Uh, right. Since we're here in Dixie, shouldn't we get out and explore?" Gaddes suggested. But before anyone could do anything, there was a loud knock on the hangar door.   
  
"Who could that be?" Allen pondered as he opened the door. A man dressed in raggedy jeans and a plaid shirt walked in, chewing on a shaft of hay while he hollered, "Howdy y'all, and welcome to Dixie, one of the purtiest places you ever did lay your eyes on! Well it was, until a ornery Notherner came and burned all our farms down, dang gonnit! We were more scared than a pig in a barrel, yes siree!"  
  
"Excuse me, but do you know where the guy that attacked your country is at this moment?" Hitomi asked shyly, bowing a little.  
  
"Paint me red and call me a wagon! Why in darnation would you folks wanna go there?" the man gasped, spitting out a drop of tobacco from the side of his mouth.  
  
"We need to rescue my husband from him," Millerna stated, tears forming in her eyes. "Dryden hasn't signed the will leaving everything to me yet."  
  
The man reluctantly nodded, and scratched his head. "Little lady, I'm deeply sorry about your husband. I'll help y'all out, but first I have to tell my family." The man then whistled and called, "Ma! Bubba Joe! Mary Sue! Come on out here!"  
  
There was a rustle in the bushes as a fat woman walked out with two small children huddling behind her. "What is it Pa?" the woman crowed, wiping her dirty hands on her apron.  
  
"I'm gonna take this folks over yonder," Pa replied. "If I'm not back by supper, keep some vittles on the fire for me."   
  
Ma agreed, shouting, "Make ser you fix the chicken coop when you come back!"  
  
"Thank you for helping us," Van commented as the group followed Pa.  
  
"Shucks, it ain't nothing. Before we all go, we need some horses. Y'all can ride horses, can't you?" Pa questioned.  
  
"Ooh!! I can!! I can!!" Millerna smirked while going behind a tree. There was a neighing sound, and soon Millerna's white steed trotted with the princess in the saddle.  
  
Everyone's mouths dropped to ground as they stuttered, "How...how did you...what...how...horse?"  
  
Millerna, batting her eyelashes, remarked snootily, "I never told you that I was one of the assistants for Sigfried & Roy when I was younger? That's funny; I would think that I would have bragged to my heart's content by now."  
  
"Right Millerna," Merle snorted, rolling her eyes, "if you're so magical, why don't you "telepathically transport" us to where we need to go?"  
  
POOF!!  
  
*I learned Spanish when I listened to the people in my head. 


	3. Chinese Music Torture

I can't finish this story right not because I have important things to do! *thinks for moment, but hangs her head dejectedly* Never mind, no I don't. Crap. Wait! I could always steal Escaflowne! But then I'll get sued, and I don't wanna get sued! PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!! *cries hysterically until reader slaps her to her senses* Thank you; I needed that.  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
There was a loud crash when the Escaflowne fell onto a small boat. Groaning, Hitomi looked around. They seemed to be in a large building with multi-colored walls. She shuttered with fear; she felt she had been here before...  
  
"GET OFF OF ME!!" Van suddenly shouted, pushing Moleman into the river surrounding them. Moleman struggled in the shallow water, screeching, "IT BURNS!! IT BURRRNNNNSSSS!!"  
  
After the soaking wet mole was reluctantly pulled back into the boat, Hitomi announced, "I have a bad feeling about this..."  
  
Merle put her hands on her hips and sneered, "You always say that!"  
  
Before Hitomi could make a retort, their boat began to move along an underwater track. But on their current route, it looked they were going to have a head-on collision with a wall.  
  
"Wahhh!!! What are we going to do?" Millerna cried, grabbing onto Allen to his chagrin.  
  
"Calm down, Millerna!! Tell me, what did you think of when you brought us here?" Hitomi barked, shaking the princess's shoulders.  
  
Millerna sniffed and answered, "I thought we were going to the scariest place in the world."  
  
"That's what I was afraid of..."  
  
The wall opened down its middle as the boat drifted into a room with crudely made dolls all singing.  
  
"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small, small world!"  
  
Everyone covered their ears from the noise, and Allen yelled, "Hitomi, do you know what this accursed place is?"  
  
"Yes," she replied the best she could over the cheesy music. "It's an amusement ride on the Mystic Moon for little kids and baby boomers!"  
  
Merle lunged for Millerna, claws outsheathed. "This is all your fault, you prissy little show-off!!"  
  
"Bad kitty!! Don't make me cut you in half and not put you back together!!"  
  
"Will you two shut up!!" Van ordered, causing Millerna and Merle to cower. He then turned to Hitomi and asked, "Hitomi, do you know how to get out of here?"  
  
"Well," Hitomi began, "we could stay on the ride until it comes to complete stop..."   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"You guys, let me finish! As I was saying, we could stay on the ride until comes to a complete stop, OR I can try a blue beam of light and go back to Gaea."  
  
They all nodded to last suggestion in unison. "Yes! Yes! For the love of god, YES!!"  
  
Hitomi lifted her pendant in her hand and concentrated deeply. Soon, the trademark light shot down and lifted them up. A woman's voice calmly instructed, "Please stay clear of the sides. Por favor se envite los lados. This blue beam of light is brought to you by the friendly folks at K-mart, with new blue light specials happening everyday!"  
  
"Funny; it has never been sponsored before," Hitomi remarked.  
  


*****

  
  
The blue light placed them down in a mysterious foggy marsh. "Thank you for choosing Blue Beam Services for all of your otherworldly transportation. Have a nice day."  
  
"Now where are we?" Van wondered, turning around. Pa started to shiver. "Why don't y'all know? This 'ere is Satan's Land! The souls of the damned live in the ground we're walkin' on!"  
  
"They don't really 'live' here if they're dead, now do they?!" Moleman joked, laughing by himself. "HA HA! HA HA! HA ha! ha ha...don't any of you have a sense of humor?"  
  
"We can't when we have more important concerns," Hitomi whispered, pointing in front of them. "Look."  
  
Dirt shifted all around them, and suddenly zombies popped up and hobbled towards the trespassers.  
  
Merle hissed and puffed up in a ball at the sight of the dog from the 3 Musketeers' commercial towards her. "Aarf..."  
  
"We're going to die! They're going to eat our brains!" Millerna cried.  
  
"They're still going to be hungry after they're done with you," Allen muttered under his breath.  
  
Van cocked his head towards an opening between the giant undead mob. "On the count of five, run like hell that way! Ready?"  
  
"Ready!"  
  
"One, Two, Thr-oh, just go!!"  
  


*****

  
"For having decaying body parts, those zombies sure can go fast!!" Hitomi complained, running as fast as she could.  
  
Van nodded, his breath haggard. "And it didn't help when they got in their Hell-mobile."  
  
"There's some sort of structure up ahead! Maybe we'll be safe there!" Allen shouted, staring at the small stone temple in front of them.  
  
As they neared the temple, Hitomi could see a large gold tablet hanging on its door. Putting on an extra burst of energy, she dashed to read the encryption etched in the bright metal.  
  
_To dispose of the worries in this land of fears,  
You must listen to what you haven't in years.  
Take your loved ones close and hold them tight,  
And push this plaque with all your might!_  
  
Hitomi clung to Van. Merle clung to Ed. Millerna clung to Allen who clung to Gaddes. Moleman tried to cling to Van, but the young king took a Baka Mallet out of his personal subspace and hit the mole in the air with a loud, "AIEEEEEEE!!!  
  
And together they pushed the plaque.  
  
There was a rumble as the stone temple quivered. Rock speakers grew out of the ground, and party music blasted out of them.  
  
The zombies looked up, and started to dance, moaning the lyrics, "Hey Macarena!!"  
  
The Macarena's moves soon became too difficult to keep up with, and many arms and legs were crushed to dust the undead jumped with tune.  
  
When the song was over, not one zombie was left standing because of the heinous Hispanic dance.  
  
"Hitomi?" Van began.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You know how I said the shampoo guys in Chapter One was 'the freakiest thing I've ever seen'?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I stand corrected."  
  
"Yeah." 


	4. Weenie Roast

I just realized that I've been using certain ideas that are exactly mine. So if you'll excuse me, *puts on a fake mustache and glasses* I'm going incognito. *hides as lawyers search for her*  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
Staring in disbelief, Hitomi noticed the fog rolling way. "Do you guys see what's on top of that mountain?"  
  
Millerna squinted through the marsh. "It looks like Cinder ella's castle..."  
  
"Baka!" Merle snarled. "Do you want to get the author in even more trouble?"  
  
"Back off pussy cat! I said Cinder ELLA'S castle! There's a space between them! A SPACE!!" Millerna screeched back, her face turning red.  
  
Van leaned over to Hitomi and whispered, "Can you tell me why did Dryden wed her again?"  
  
"Because I willed the tarot cards to say it would be a happy marriage, but in turn I indirectly caused the destruction of Palas," Hitomi sighed.  
  
"Oh yeah. Sorry I asked."  
  
Allen craned his neck up at the shadowy castle. "It will most likely take us a couple days to get there."  
  
"Or a couple of minutes," Moleman remarked, coming out of nowhere.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Hitomi screamed, accidentally knocking him down a hole behind him. "Don't do that!"  
  
"Jeez, I try to help by finding a mean of transportation, and what do I get in return? Nothing but ridicule!"  
  
"I'm so sorry, Mr. Mole. Thank you for caring for us," Hitomi apologized, kissing Moleman on the head. She then became aware of what she was doing and began to gag and sputter. "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!! I HAVE MOLE GERMS!!"  
  
"Humph," Moleman muttered. "That wasn't pleasant for me either, but you don't see me yapping my head off."  
  


*****

  
  
Shadows danced on the cavern walls as Moleman lead the others to what looked like a chain of mine carts. Everyone climbed in except Millerna, who was reading the names on each of the carts. "Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey.., hey, aren't these..?"  
  
The communal glare from the rest of the group made her snap her mouth closed. "Never mind."  
  
"Now, if I remember correctly, I turn on this switch and..," Moleman thought to himself, pushing buttons and pulling levers until the carts slowly creaked forward. They soon gained speed as they went over hills and through turns.  
  
Shouting gleefully, Hitomi threw her arms into the air. "C'mon everybody! Put your hands up! It's great!"  
  
Van covered his eyes in fear, teeth chattering, "Make it stop! Make it stop!"  
  
Turning an unhealthly twinge of green, Allen moaned, "I'm gonna hurl…"  
  
"Oh boy. This is more fun than getting my hand stuck in a pickle jar," Ed chirped.  
  
"You can say that again," Merle agreed.  
  
"Oh boy. This is more fun than getting my hand stuck in a pickle jar."  
  


*****

  
  
"Who the hell made that stupid underground railroad?! Harriet Tubman?!" Van challenged as they neared the front gates of the castle.  
  
"Don't you ever dis the Tub, got it?" Moleman reprimanded.  
  
"Enough you two. Van, go knock on the door," Hitomi ordered nonchalantly.  
  
"Nuh uh. Allen, you go knock on the door, seeing how you're a brave knight and all."  
  
"And why should I listen to you Van?"  
  
"Because I'm royalty, and you're not. So there!"  
  
"Oh, you're so above me because you're the king of dinky little burnt country!"  
  
"That's it Prettyboy! You're going down!"  
  
"I dare ya, you clumsy excuse for a fighter!"  
  
"God, do I have to do everything myself?!" Hitomi lamented as she stepped over the two wrestling men. She banged the door three times, but the fourth time a slit opened with a voice that requested, "What's the password?"  
  
Before Hitomi could answer, Millerna hopped around, groaning, "Man! I need to go to the bathroom so bad!"  
  
"You are correct," the voice behind the door replied, " the password is, 'Man! I need to go to the bathroom so bad!' You may enter."  
  
They held a collective breath as the door opened to a small boy holding a weasel in his arms. Shocked, Hitomi bent down and smiled, "Hello. What's your name?"  
  
The boy fidgeted under her gaze and responded, "Lord Dilandau and the others call me Kid, and this is my pet, Weiner."  
  
There was a loud roar as the group mocked Kid.  
  
"Hey Kid, can I pet your Weiner?"  
  
"Your Weiner is so playful!"  
  
"I want your Weiner!"  
  
"Make sure you keep your Weiner out of your pants!"  
  
"Is your Weiner bad?!"  
  
"I like your weasel." Ed laughed, trying to join in.  
  
A couple moments later, the sound of prison doors slamming close in front of them echoed in their ears.  
  
Millerna peered through the bars at Kid's retreating form. "I don't think he liked us teasing him."  
  


*****

  
  
Dilandau was seating at a throne, amusing himself by slapping his cheeks back and forth. "I'm Dilandau! Now I'm Celene! Dilandau! Celene!"   
  
His eyes flashed from red to purple to red, until he had one purple eye and one red. "Ah! I'm stuck at Dilene!"   
  
"Not again..," Chesta muttered, sighing as he hit Dilandau as hard as he could.   
  
When Dilandau was back to his "normal" self, he grabbed Chesta and yelled, "You dare touch me?!"   
  
"Please forgive me Lord Dilandau! I was just trying…"  
  
"Ignore my authority, that's what you were doing! Get your toothbrush; you're cleaning all the guymelefs!"   
  
Bawling on the way out, Chesta passed by Kid who was coming to report. "Lord Dilandau, I have captured enemy spies!"   
  
"Really?" Dilandau asked, rising from his seat. "How can you tell?"   
  
Kid held up a piece of paper that had big bold letters spelling "SPIES" on it. "Someone taped this to one of their backs."   
  
"Hmm. Probably one of those dwarfs in the mine," Dilandau guessed. "Good job, Kid."   
  
"Don't forget Weiner!" Kid boasted happily.   
  
"Uh, yeah..," Dilandau shrugged, patting Kid's pet on it's head. The weasel snarled and foamed at the mouth. "Better keep your Weiner in check, Kid." 


	5. Yummy Yummy in my Tummy

*in a monotone voice* I am from the FB-er, a big conglomerate company. The "Lady Oceania" is currently-*answers ringing cell phone* Hello? What?! Teenagers have escaped from public high schools?! Armed with sarcasm and dangerously low self esteem?! Dear god, I'll be right there! *turns back to readers* I have no choice but to let you read Lady Oceania's story for now, but remember, she owns nothing, and I was never here!  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
Playing a harmonica between lyrics, Merle crooned, "We were captured. Don't know what to do. Now we're stuck here, and I got those jail-time blues! Oh wah oh!"  
  
"Sing it sister!" Someone called from behind as Merle went all out. "Yeah, I'm not a detective. But I know from the clues. We're in deep trouble with these jail-time blues...Hey-ey, we're in deep trouble with these jail-time bluuuuues..."   
  
Among the scattered applause, Hitomi quietly exclaimed, "When did Merle learn to be a blues singer?"  
  
"You don't learn the blues; you become them," Van replied in a brassy voice.  
  
Rolling her eyes, Hitomi remarked dryly, "Right. I'm upset that I'm not blue, considering how I'm on a strange planet away from family and friends, and don't forget the terrifying visions I see that come true."  
  
"Yeah, too bad," Van sighed off-handily.  
  
Allen suddenly put his hand up, signaling for silence. "Shh...someone's coming..."  
  
The conversation of guards became louder as the two walked down to the dungeon.  
  
"I'm telling you Gatti, you should've tasted that vegetarian soufflé I made last night. It was exquisite!"  
  
"Oh I know, Miguel. It's delicious aroma inspired me to create a flower arrangement worthy of Martha Stewart herself."  
  
Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, they both swooned, "Martha Stewart...."  
  
Gatti noticed the odd stares he and Miguel were receiving and poked his companion in the ribs. Miguel cleared his throat and announced, "You are being held by the order of Lord Dilandau until you all are interrogated to find out what is your mission."  
  
"My 'mission' is just to find a bathroom," Millerna complained, crossing her legs together. "I still need to go really bad!!"  
  
"Is that all?" Miguel asked, surprise written on his face as he reached into his pocket. "Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll let you out."  
  
There was a slight pause before everyone else shouted, "Wait, we need to go too!!"  
  
"We're not THAT dumb," Gatti sneered. "We'll only let the women go. You guys can do it standing up. It's been awhile since the viewers of the webcams installed in here have had a good show."  
  
"This way ladies," Miguel offered, ushering Millerna, Hitomi, and Merle out of the prison cell and up the stone stairway.  
  
"The interrogator will be with you soon," Gatti cackled while leaving, but then there was a sudden crash. "OWWWWWWWIIIEEESSSSS!!! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, WILL YA?!"  
  


*****

  
  
Dilandau was strolling down the hall whistling the Andy Griffin theme song when he spotted the two guards leading the female prisoners. "Miguel! Gatti! What the hell do you think you are doing?"  
  
Miguel stood to attention and saluted, "Lord Dilandau, we were just taking these women to use the facilities."  
  
"You imbeciles! How dense can you be?" Dilandau roared. "They shouldn't be going your restrooms!"  
  
"Lord?" Gatti questioned, confused as to what to do.  
  
A smile crept over the Dragonslayer leader's face as he bowed deeply. "Let them use my personal domain."  
  
They followed Dilandau to a golden gilded door, and when it creaked open, bright light and Mr. Clean Angels' singing escaped from it.  
  
"Ooooooooohhhhhhh........Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....," everyone cooed as they entered the large room. Dilandau spread out his arms and bellowed, "I give you....the Lemony Fresh Oasis! For all your bathroom necessities!"  
  
While Millerna and Hitomi went off to find an actual toilet, Merle tapped Dilandau's shoulder and whispered in his ear. He became perplexed at her question and suggested, "Urm, well, there's a small beach just behind the castle..."  
  
"GIANT LITTERBOX!!" Merle interrupted and jumped out a nearby window.  
  
"Why did she do that?" Gatti asked, scratching his head.  
  
"Cats land on four feet," Miguel responded nonchalantly.   
  
"But it's a huge drop!"  
  
"Cats have nine lives."  
  
"But what if she doesn't make it in time?"  
  
"Cat's pajamas."  
  
"Stop with the feline aphorisms," Dilandau snapped, slapping them both on their cheeks. "When our 'guests' are done, take them to them to the library, for I have a proposition to sell them."  
  
"That's a great idea, Lord Dilandau," Miguel piped, "but wouldn't selling them infringe on Sunrise's copyright?"  
  
"Miguel?"  
  
"Yes Lord?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Will do."  
  


*****

  
  
There was a platter of finger food on a table in Dilandau's personal library. Sitting in his velvet chair, he Dragonslayer leader picked up a rolled up piece of deli meat and started singing, "My bologna has a first name! It's O-S-C-A-R! My bologna has a second name! It's M-A-Y-E-R!"  
  
"Um...Lord Dilandau?" Miguel began from the door, "they're ready to see you now."  
  
"Show them in!" Dilandau ordered, dressing in a nice red robe to looked more distinguished. As Hitomi, Merle, and Millerna hesitantly walked in, he took a pipe out of his pocket and stuck in the corner of his mouth. "Please make yourself comfortable ladies. Feel free to partake on the refreshments I've provided."   
  
Hitomi smooth down her skirt and wet her lips before she spoke. "First things first! Why do you want to talk to us three?"  
  
Dilandau paused for a moment, blowing bubbles out of his pipe. "I have a message for Van and the others. You have been chosen to deliver it because you all are women and can't do anything."  
  
"What the hell do you mean by that?!" Hitomi retorted, standing up quickly. "I can will your death by using my tarot cards!"  
  
"And I can use your legs for scratching posts!" Merle snarled with exposed claws.  
  
"And I can perform surgery on you!" Millerna shouted, picking up a butter knife.  
  
Dilandau sweatdropped. "Uh yeah.., I sorta forgot about all that.., but if it wasn't for the authoress wanting this story to go on, I wouldn't have hesitated to fry you all with my flame-thrower, so there!"  
  
"Lord Dilandau! The prisoners have escaped!" Kid interrupted suddenly.  
  
"WHAT?! How?!" Dilandau roared.  
  
Kid held up a small vial containing a purple residue. "They overthrew him after he gave them this truth potion!"  
  
"Fools! You NEVER use the purple one! We'll be overcome by them, for they now have Barnieus Dinosaros, or the 'I Love You' Disease!"  
  
The library door was then ripped off it's hinges as Van, Allen, and the rest burst into the room. There was chaos among the Dragonslayers because the newly violet-tinted prisoners were running up and hugging anyone in their sight.  
  
Van dashed up to Dilandau and wrapped his arms around the silver haired boy, a dreamy smile on the young king's face. "I love you Dilly-chan! You're my best friend!"  
  
"I. Am. Gonna. HURL!" Dilandau yelled, pushing Van away. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...Men! RETREAT!!"  
  
Dilandau and his troop somehow got of the room faster than Speedy Gonzales on a sugar high, leaving clouds of dust behind them. The male former captives were slouched on the floor asleep; apparently, the job to 'share the love' was a tiring one.  
  
"What happened to Van and the others?' Hitomi asked fretfully. Merle shrugged. "I don't know, but I personally blame poor public television. The question we should really ask is how are we going to heal them?"  
  
Millerna threw her hands up in defense. "Hey don't look at me. I'm not a doctor...Wait, did I just say that out loud? Oops..."  
  
"Like that's a surprise," Merle rolled her eyes. "But seriously, any ideas how to get them all back to 'normal'?"  
  
"I think I do, but we'll have to wait until the next chapter before I can tell you," Hitomi replied.  
  



	6. Just a Little Bit Lower...

As soon as I got back from break from the Internet, all people have been asking about was this story! "When are you going to finish this story?" "What's going to happen in the next chapter?" "Why is my left arm tingling?" God, I have a life, and just because it involves me hanging out in my room all day feeling sorry for myself doesn't mean its not important. =p I don't own Escaflowne, at least that's what my psychologist keeps telling me.  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
As they rushed through the halls in search for an exit, Van commented, "Hitomi, I'm thankful and all for your help, but what took you so long in curing us?"  
  
"I would've been faster, Van," Hitomi replied, "but the stupid authoress was so lazy in starting this chapter."  
  
Abruptly and out of nowhere, a Supa Baka Mallet (TM) hit Hitomi on the head, knocking her out after she mumbled, "Did someone get the number of that bus...?"  
  
A note fluttered down that said, "Don't ever say something like that again, or else! -The Authoress"  
  
" 'Or else' what?' " Van challenged, standing over a unconscious Hitomi.  
  


*****

  
  
Back on Earth, Yukari tripped over a rock, promptly twisting her ankle. "Ow."  
  


*****

  
  
The group back on Gaea blinked. Repeatedly. Van announced slowly, "Okay, nobody piss the authoress off."  
  
Damn straight.  
  
"Anyways," Allen interrupted, helping a still woozy Hitomi, "how are we going to find Dilandau and the rest? By the time we get back to the Crusade, it'll be too late!"  
  
"Don't worry. I have an idea," Van reassured him, and whistled with his fingers. "Here Escaflowne! Here boy!"  
  
A whoosh was heard, and soon the Fanelian guymelef was right besides them. "Good boy Escaflowne! Hitomi, I need your seriously freaky abilities to find them. The rest of you look for Dryden. He must be around here somewhere."  
  
As they flew off, Hitomi commented, "Van, I didn't know Escaflowne listened to you so well."  
  
"Oh yeah, he knows lots of tricks. Escaflowne, roll over!"  
  
Escaflowne did a couple of barrel rolls in the sky before continuing it's flight.  
  
"Speak!"  
  
Opening it's mouth, Escaflowne let out a sound similar to the mating call of the pigmy marmoset.  
  
"Play dead!"  
  
The metal dragon began to free-fall with Van screaming, "Get up, Escaflowne! GET UP!!"  
  
As the guymelef corrected it's actions, Hitomi berated, "I don't know why you taught him that one..."  
  


*****

  
  
Calling Dryden's name over and over, Millerna met up with the others in the banquet hall. "Has anyone found him yet? Oh, where could Dryden be?"  
  


*****

  
  
Unbeknownst the searchers, Dryden was relaxing on the beach behind Dilandau's fortress. In reality, he was never in any danger, but had instead traveled to Dixie to see the annual Miss Neptune beauty pageant. Now surrounded by beautiful mermaids, the merchant sipped his margarita and gently laughed at the cooing girls, "Ladies, ladies, calm down! There's enough of me for each of you! Hey sugar, what are you doing down there? Oh yeah, stroke it baby...are you sure you want to put it between your legs? I'm pretty strong, and I don't want to hurt you...Ahhhhhhh..."  
  
The mermaid then moved to massage Dryden's other foot as the rest of the girls did his shoulders.  
  
By the way, you all are perverts.  
  


*****

  
  
Hitomi was dowsing with her pendant when all of a sudden...  
  
"Look, there's a 7-Eleven down there! I want a Slurpee!"  
  
"Not now; we have to find Dilandau."  
  
"Puhleeze!"  
  
"No."  
  
"But I wanna!"  
  
"I WANT A SLURPEE RIGHT NOW!!"  
  
"Maybe later, okay?"  
  
"Fine! Meanie," Hitomi pouted.  
  


*****

  
  
"SLURP!!" Dilandau finished the rest of his Pina Coloda Slurpee while sitting on the pavement in front of 7-Eleven. "Chesta, this was a great idea."  
  
Chesta nodded and ate his hot dog as he drank Big Gulp. "Thank you Lord Dilandau."  
  
The frozen Coolatta fell from Kid's hands as he clutched his head. "Ahhh! Brain freeze!"  
  
Chocolate milk came out of Dalet's nose as he rolled on the ground laughing. "Oh...my...god...that...is...too...funny..."  
  
"Eww Dalet! You got your Yahoo all over me!" Viole whined, trying desperately to wipe off his suit.  
  
"...S-sorry..," Dalet sighed, rubbing the tears from his eyes.  
  
A sudden sound above their heads alerted the Dragonslayers to Escaflowne soaring above them.  
  
"Van must be feeling better," Dilandau noted, standing and dusting off. "Get into your guymelefs and follow him! But before you go, remember this: No likes a litterbug, so throw your trash away and let's go."  
  
They complied with Dilandau, and flew off with Greenpeace stickers on their bumpers.  
  


*****

  
  
Author's Ramblings: Ehh...I'm definitely losing my edge. But the Dryden scene was good, I think. TDAMRSE is coming to a close in a few chapters because it's hard to keep this running. But I promise the ending will be great. At least in my eyes. ^^;  
  



	7. The end, or is it? No wait, it is.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Super Lazy Authoress! Able to put off stories for months, avoid angry fans, and still have time to do absolutely nothing! What's this?! Super Lazy Authoress has decided to work on this story again?! Oh no, it must be the end of the world!  
  


**Probably the Dumbest and Most Random Story Ever**

  
  
Millerna sighed as she collapsed on the sand, rubbing her sore calves. "It's no use, we looked everywhere for Dryden. I'm tired of searching. If I wanted this much exercise, I would've signed up for Taebo."  
  
"Wah, wah, wah," Merle teased, blowing neon pink strands of hair out of her face. "Do you ever stop whining?"  
  
Cheeks darkening red in anger, Millerna shouted, "ALLEN!! TELL THAT FLEABAG TO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!!"  
  
Near the shore, Dryden looked up at the sound and cursed loudly, "Shit, that voice belongs to only one person…"  
  
"DRYDEN FASSA!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Millerna asked, somehow detecting Dryden's presence, racing down the beach to where her husband was. "Here I thought you were in trouble, only to find you find fraternizing with these hussies! I thought you told me you were cured of the sea creature fetish…Oh my…"  
  
Turning to the young merman that had grabbed the princess' attention, Millerna instantly glomped the stranger. "Hi, handsome! Can you show me how you do it 'fishie style'?"  
  
Allen looked to the mermaids, then back to the merman. Back and forth, back and forth. "Too. Many. Decisions."  
  
The Crusade crew all got to hook up with mermaids, in apology for all the crap had to go through in the story and because the authoress pitied them. And Pa went back to his home, and everything was once again how it should be. They all lived happily ever after. The end.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, it would be if we didn't have Hitomi, Van, and the Dragonslayers to deal with. So our story continues. For now.  
  


*****

After passing by the asterisks that were completely pointless, Van struggled with the Escaflowne's controls. "Damn! When Dilandau's guymelef side-swipped us that last time, it must've damaged something on Escaflowne!"  
  
"Uh, no duh Van!" Hitomi replied, pointing to the left of the metal dragon. "We're missing a wing!"  
  
"That might explain the loss of speed and altitude," Van thought, pulling on the reins as hard as possible. Escaflowne came to a midstop in the air, and hovered as Van unbuckled his harness to check out what remained of the left side. Hitomi looked down at the ground in puzzlement, and asked, "Van, how does-"  
  
Clasping his hand over her mouth, Van shook his head. "Don't ask that question Hitomi. Whatever you do, okay? I'm going to let you speak now."  
  
"Van, what are you thinking," Hitomi spat, trying to get a breath. "All I was asking was how Escaflowne could do that?"  
  
"Damnit!" Van yelled as Escaflowne began to fall. "I told you not to ask that!"  
  
Dilandau noticed the change in Escaflowne's flight, and reported to the other Dragonslayers, "Go ahead and land you guys! They're done for!"  
  
As Escaflowne spiraled to the forest floor, somehow a fluke wind slowed their descent to a comfortable landing. C'mon, did you really think I was going to let them die? Nu huh.  
  
"Alright, Van, you survived my attack," Dilandau smirked, feeling very important in bringing the legendary Escaflowne. "But you should run while you have the chance, because next time you won't be so lucky!"  
  
"I'll never back down! I'll never forgive you for burning down the country of Dixie, and capturing Dryden!" Van yelled, brandishing his sword and chipping away at Dilandau's Alseides. Dilandau blinked, and roared, "Hey, watch the paint job! What the hell are you talking about anyways, Fanel? I didn't burn anything recently...oh, crap. Did you listen to the stupid rumor the natives are spreading?"  
  
"Wha-? Rumors? I..um...,"Van started sheepishly. Dilandau interrupted the young king's babbling and continued to lament, "Man, I never knew being an ex-pyromaniac could put a damper on your persona in a new place. Of course I got blamed for the fire when everyone found out about my past, although it was proved to be an unattended campfire. And that hippie Dryden needed a place to stay for his mermaid thing, so of course I provided a room for him, to try and get the public to see me in a better light. But of course that got twisted around that was capturing him. Did you ever once ask where he is or what really happened? No, you just automatically assume it's me, causing my troops to play in your little game of 'hero' when we all have better things to do."  
  
Van scratched his back, his sword laying forgotten by his side. "Oh man, you have a point. I'm really sorry. I just thought…yeah…"  
  
"No prob," Dilandau exclaimed, relaxing in his guymelef. "Maybe insane pyros like me and half-bred nobility like you can get along in this world."  
  
"Hey, what about girls who see death like me," Hitomi piped up. Van and Dilandau both considered it for a moment, but laughed simanteously, "Nah! Hahahahahahahahaha!!"  
  
Oh, you guys are too funny. Heh heh.  
  
This is the story's end! It doesn't go on and on my friend! Some people starting reading it, not realizing what it was! Now they'll be scarred forever and forever just because this is the story's end! It doesn't go on and on my friend! Some people starting reading it, not realizing what it was! Now they'll be scarred forever and forever just because this is the story's end! It doesn't go on and on my friend! Some people starting reading it, not realizing what it was! Now they'll be scarred forever and forever just because this is the story's end! It doesn't go on and on my friend! Some people starting reading it, not realizing what it was! Now they'll be scarred forever and forever just because this is the story's end! It doesn't go on and on my friend! Some people starting reading it, not realizing what it was! Now they'll be scarred forever and forever just because this is the story's end…  
  


* * *

  
  
A/N: Yay, it's over. You would think I would be a little more excited, but this took a lot out of me. Maybe I'll see you guys again. Until then, g'bye!  
  



End file.
